The Secret Life Of Lauren

Here is an "about me" I had to write for some writing I submitted, I got rejected on the fact I don't write "streight comedy" So I wonder is it crooked comedy? Or perhaps we live in a world where the opposite of streight is now gay, so perhas I write "homosexual comedy". In other words they didn't want what I had, but never less I entertain myself.

About me…

Lets just go ahead and say I am of average height, average weight and average looks. I am your average white girl, earning an average income living in the suburbs in Colorado. So right off the bat I’m sure you can see how I would superbly fit into your request for diversity.

I’m a 25-year-old Denver native, that is suddenly finding herself in the world’s most conservative city in the world. Yes, yes I am perhaps the newest addition to what I like to call Focus on the Family-Ville… other wise known to others as Colorado Springs. I live in a house that looks the same as every other on my street, or in the whole city for that matter. The closest bar is fifteen minutes driving, and it sucks when you get there. My new friends panic when, gasp, I happen to indulge in, yes, hold your breath, a THIRD drink for the evening! Yep you got it I can pound down more than three whole drinks in ONE night, that alone is enough to send this city into a frenzy.

I am one semester shy of completing my eight-year bachelors degree in elementary education. I’m not stupid just could never make up my mind so I figured, well shit, why not give my hand at messing up Americas youth for a while. I currently teach pre-school where I received my self-dubbed professional title of “Leader of Nose Pickers and Pants Wetters,” Or “Keeper of the Turd That Fell out of Some Kids Pants on the Playground.” So when I’m not monitoring shit production of three year olds, I can also be found bartending, where I took on the professional title of “ Girl Behind the Bar that Gets Life Advise from Middle Age Unemployed Man Who’s Wife Left Him.” So as you can already see my hands are all tied up being pretty important and all.

While not doing the things that either make me money or lead me in the direction someday to make money (you know because these days they pay teachers the big bucks) I can be found writing, wishing I could be writing, or thinking up great ideas to do with my writing and not following through with them. The majority of my writing is personal narratives, often about my formally exciting life or made up stuff, as life in Colorado Springs is not so exciting. Except the one time in the Library, when some lady told her daughters if they didn’t pick up their mess they “would never go back to church again.” As you can see, my life rules.

I could be thought of as overly pessimistic, or perhaps I am the opposite, where I just see humor in being pessimistic. So, other things you should know… I have two dogs, one that looks like Snufflupugus and the other that looks like the short bus (really I’ll send pictures). I cannot spell and my grammar sucks, as it appears I slept through the majority of elementary school. I have a terrible case of Adult ADD and secretly find it enjoyable at times. I cannot stand people that sleep with socks on, or the feeling of the ceiling of cars, it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. I ramble sometimes… but usually only in “About Me” crap.

As far as what I’m submitting… One might appear to be political, and yes I can read, I know you said no political humor, however, it isn’t about Bush sucking or Kerry’s drunken loon of a wife, as I agree, those topics are tiresome. It’s just an open letter to John Kerry. Not at all discussing his politics, just a personal response to a very “personal” letter he sent me. The next submission is a letter to my brother on recently finding out we were Jewish… but just a little bit. And the third is perhaps well… what ever else I can find laying around. As for what I submit after that… it just depends what you want, how much I drink and if its beer, wine or vodka as they all seem to produce different results.

On a final note I have to admit, today I got a perm because I lost a bet. Well ok… I didn’t loose a bet, but who openly admits to getting a perm these days?