The Secret Life Of Lauren

Dear brother,

It appears we’re being ripped off, and in more ways than one. I was thinking of you today so I thought I would send you a “congratulations your Jewish” electronic greeting card. Can you believe after hours of searching I must inform they do not exist? I think we as Jews better give this a look into. There has to be some kind of discrimination suit we could pursue. Not only the lack of cards for old Jews but the lack of ones for us new found Jews.

However that is not the real reason I am writing, I’ve pulled some numbers together in my head. Now we both know I’m not the math genius in the family, so bear with me, but I’m pretty sure we’ve been fucked. If Hanukah is for eight days every year, and every year parents give their little Jews a small present each day then we've been screwed right in our Hebrew asses. I’ve worked the math on my account first. 8 presents I’ve missed a year for almost 23 years. Come somewhere around 184 presents. Lets say for arguments sake, each present is about thirteen dollars. I have so far missed two thousand three hundred ninety two dollars of merchandise. I for one would expect the same as Christmas that since our parents were divorced we would be getting two times the presents. Leaving me somewhere around four thousand seven hundred eighty four dollars. Think that’s bad big brother I'm just getting started. Each year for Christmas for about 18 years I received a 50-dollar savings bond from our grandparents. Now I like to think of them as good fair people, I don’t think they would have left us out because we were Jews, I mean after all they were too. So I figure we would have gotten the Christmas bond as well as a Hanukah bond. However I did keep in mind they were Jewish therefore probably would have been cheap if they knew. So I’m going to be fair and say the Hanukah bonds would have been around 30 dollars. I then come up with another five hundred and forty dollars, leaving my total around five thousand three hundred twenty four dollars. Oh and big brother I am far from done there’s more. Lets just say I have a feeling if we were Jewish and Aunt Nancy knew she probably would have liked us more, i.e. more like more money. Therefore I think its safe to assume she’d probably throw s a twenty here or there on birthdays and Hanukah. So say 40 a year, my total another nine hundred twenty dollars. Bringing our grand total to six thousand two hundred forty four. Now for myself I’m going to add another few thousand, being Jewish can get you scholar ships so I think its safe to assume I would have saved a few thousand on school. Eight thousand two hundred forty four. Also when you figure out your numbers please keep in mind, the money and gifts you would have received at your briss and your bar mitzvah. Also take into account you are a few years older or more Jewish than me in this case making your numbers higher. With all this being said, who’s going to ask mom and dad for the twenty some grand they owe us? I think you should, your much more of a Jew than me.

Love,

Katie Lauren

P.S. I think we should have Adam Sandler write us into next years Hanukah song, I was thinking, “Little Matt and Katie just found out they are brand new Jew, who the fuck knows you could be too.”

# posted by laurenblogs @ 7:21 PM