The Secret Life Of Lauren

Dear Kmart and Local Grocery Stores,

I hope this letter finds you in good health, if the situation is otherwise please take that up with my father. I am writing regarding your “Jesus Pillar Candles”. I am positive you know which I am talking about. They can usually be found on an endcap in Kmart or the “Ethnic” isle in the grocery stores. You know, located just next to the canned refried beans and those gross Asian noodles that taste like cardboard. Just above those little corn things found in stir fry everyone hates. You can take that up with my father as well those things were a grave mistake, lets call it “the Great Corn Experiment gone wrong”. So any who back to those pillar candles.

Lets start with price, they cost a DOLLAR! I mean I am not egotistical maniac but do you know how little a dollar is today. This of it this way you can either pay your respects to Jesus with a nice pillar candle or you can eat a double cheese burger from Mc Donald’s. No I know those cheese burgers are swell and trust me I eat my fair share up here, but lord where have people’s priorities gone? One would even assume with the cost of inflation Jesus candles would have gone up a bit over the years. But no they are still a dollar.

So to get to the point of my letter, this is actually a cease and desist letter. See me and my boys, the apostles have gotten together alone with a few of the saints you portray on these candles and decided this must stop. We will no longer have our people be forced to answer the question, “Should I get 10 bags of Romen noodles or a Jesus candle.” Trust me when God said “let there be light” he wasn’t referring to some dumb ass, cheap, smells like shit pillar candle.

If you are going to continue to make money exploiting me and my boys please do so in a way in which isn’t so white trash.

P.S. Tell that fat bitch who runs your stores to stop asking my father to help her loose weight, there are some miracles even he can’t perform.

Love,

Jesus

# posted by laurenblogs @ 8:30 PM