The Secret Life Of Lauren

It’s gonna be that kind of day…

I just walked two miles from the place I dropped my car off in hopes of finding somewhere I could park my ass and my computer and maybe get something to eat. Just to prove how much he hates me God made sure that the only dining establishments in the area were Taco Bell and AppleBee’s. So I sit here in Applebee’s not because it was the better of the two but because Taco Bell won’t let me smoke, and I always seem to find pieces of hard shit in their food anyway. I despise Applebee’s mostly because the environment always reminds me of an old people’s home. Or perhaps it makes me regress back to when I was a child and used to force my mother to take me to Fur’s Cafeteria. If there is ever any doubt in my mind or your mind that my mother loves me, we must remember the countless hours my mother spent with me in Fur’s. My mother who no longer would be caught dead in a Chili’s let alone at a buffet that doesn’t even serve red wine, not even out of a box.

My family used to joke with me about my love of old people. When a new old person would move in my mother would say things such as “Here comes Laurens new best friend.” Now I am just scared of old people. Sort of like I’m afraid of retarded people. I know it’s just wrong but I just am. Maybe it’s because old people smell funny, or talk about trivial things. Maybe it’s because they know too much. Mostly it’s because their going to die, and I don’t know how to handle that shit.

I do however like old people when they are disgustingly inappropriate. Like when my grandma says shit like “you know those gays really aren’t all that bad.” Or “There is this black man in the building but you know he is really nice.” It’s as if she always trying to convince me that I shouldn’t have the prejudices I don’t even have. I also like it when I take her grocery shopping and she makes me price compare Depends and Imodium. I like it most most, when we are doing this and someone I know comes around the corner. Then I want to shout things like “Yeah this is my grandma and she shits herself and likes black people and those gays” but most importantly she is still to damn classy to eat at an Applebee’s.

# posted by laurenblogs @ 11:11 AM