The Secret Life Of Lauren

Being “retired” is nice. It gives me lots of extra time to Myspace stalk people. Really though I do need to start thinking here at some point about joining the work force again. I mean really how long can a 26 year old stay retired? I also have an upcoming wedding that is begging to be planned

Why did those damn feminists have to ruin my chance of ever being a house wife?

I went with the boy’s mom to see a psychic today. Not really because I believe, but more so because I don’t disbelieve. She said a lot. Mostly about how I need to grow up, some about letting go of baggage, a little about starting a business, and something about taking a breath every time I want to punch the boy in the face, something like “because he really does love you.” Then there was something about our house in Colorado not selling until I put up “red flowers,” Then I had to take a breath before I punched her in the face.

The most interesting part however was not the psychic but her husband. He sat at the table smoking cigarettes while I waited for boy’s mom to get finished hearing her future. For lack of having anything better to do than sit and cross my fingers that boy’s mom wasn’t being told what a crack pot her new daughter in-law is, I started a conversation with the man. I must state that boy’s mom did warn me not to talk to angry Italian husband of psychic lady, but since when do I listen. I started telling him how we just moved here and were looking for houses in the city. Then I smoked because I can’t remember how long it has been since I smoked in a house.

People in the suburbs of St. Louis always get extremely shocked when someone poses the idea of moving to the city. Why you ask… because the city is where the BLACK people live. I quickly learned when I moved here that this is perhaps the most segregated city in the world. People’s views are about fifty years out of date. It has been described to me as “The gate way to the south,” as well as “the last plantation left.” I am forever thankful that I did not grow up around such utter fucking nonsense. Never the less here is my conversation with Crazy Italian Guy.

Me: Were looking for houses in the city.

CIG: IN THE CITY!!!! Honey that’s where all the (hushed voice) Black people live.

Me: Yeah some do live there, I don’t mind BLACK people… I don’t mind Hispanics either, I’ve even been known to occasionally like an Asian person. It’s called diversity, the prime reason you do move to the city.

CIG: Those black people kill each other everyday in that city… over DRUGS!

Me: Well thankfully I don’t do drugs.

Me: (moments later) You know white people kill also. They do drugs too.

CIG: (in a whisper, looking around) You know we’ve got black people around here also.

Me: (in a whisper, looking around) Yeah, I’ve read somewhere they’re taking over… they’re… spreading!!!

Then I went outside to smoke in peace. Maybe when his psychic wife told me to take a breath before punching the boy, she meant take a breath before punching her boy.

# posted by laurenblogs @ 2:22 PM