YEAH!!!!

And then there was none!!!

Cleaning out My Closets

I haven’t written in forever, not because of lack of things to say or even lack of time to say it, but really just because I have been taking some time to find myself, or loosing myself further, depending on how you look at it. I have been in a bit of a funk, and hate to be the negative victim, and I knew it would come through in my writing if I wrote, so I didn’t.

I seem to have taken an even stronger liking to Billy Joel’s “My Life” realizing that in life you often find people who want you to be someone else, than people who want you to be yourself. This, over the years has proven to be an exhausting task. Mostly because it has left me questioning who I am, and who I want to be. What parts of me are me, and what parts are an act for others, where I play the lead in my one woman show, playing the role of “People Pleaser.” The funniest part being, the more I tried to please people the more enemies I made. I remember a day when I didn’t care what anyone thought, my self esteem was flying high, and I (for lack of more mature words) was one bad ass bitch. I now am one confused, not even close to bad ass, bitch.

My mother told me when I was little “not everyone is always going to like you.” It’s almost as if I’ve been trying to prove her wrong these last few years, trying to force people to like me, and loosing sleep when some didn’t. I try self therapy explaining to myself that in most cases the people who don’t like me, are people I don’t like either, but somehow it never made it ok.

I was cleaning out my closets tonight, as I am attempting to put my life together to make a cross country move, a move which will result in my getting me first “big girl job.” Yes I know I’m kind of old for my first real job, but bartending wasn’t cutting it anymore, and I figure shit, I spent eight years in college I might as well do something with it.

Throwing away some of my shoes seemed to be the hardest part of this closet cleaning mess, even harder than that which this story is leading to. I just like shoes, but it was time for the ones with dust to move out, and move on.

During this “cleaning of the closet” I decided perhaps it was time to clean out other closets, time to let go of a few things. For sometime now I have been debating of what to do with my journals. I have been an avid journal keeper since age seven. These journals, are strewn all over my house, some under beds, some on bookshelves, and one in the panty drawer. These journals certainly contain no “great writing” I was at risk of loosing, but I often wondered if the boyfriend ever took a peek in them. Or when I have to go stay at his mothers house for a few weeks would she peek at them, would his brother? When I have children someday, they would dig through my stuff, as I dug through my mother’s, would they find them? Would they read them? Would I rather shoot myself in the head than have a child of mine read about what a crazy hooker his mother was ?? YES YES.

For a few months now I have been debating over what should be done with these. I couldn’t just throw them away. I wanted to burn them, but I’m pretty sure Colorado is under STRICT open fire rules, and I would need a bon fire to take care of this mess.

I guess you can say I just avoided the whole thing. I talked to a friend today and she said “you will get ride of them when you are ready to let go”

So tonight I cleaned out my closet, and decided I was ready to let go. Let go of a lot of things. Let go of the negative people in my life, let go of trying to please people. Let go of being unhappy.

So I found the paper shredder, and turned on the Beatles “let it be” and damn did I “let it be” I read them all one last time before they were turned into confetti. I cried at some, but mostly laughed at some. My favorite being from my journal when I was seven

“I love Mick, I hope Mick loves me, but I think Lisa Loves Mick” His name was Mike, which is only further proof that I still spell the same way I did when I was seven. There were others such as “I broke up with Lisa at lunch because she got mad because Michelle and I played alone” I don’t know why Michelle and I played alone, or why I “broke up” with Lisa but apparently maybe I was gay when I was seven, because that sure sounds like relationship talk.

They get better as I get older, well better or worse depending on how you look at it. Apparently I was “In Love” at least 75 times, couldn’t spell alcohol, even thought I sure seemed to like to drink it, and used the term “getting on” as a substitute for making out. Such as “Dan and I got it on last night”

I found love letters, and hate letters, and some really really bad poetry. I found a letter from my friend Lisa (the one I broke up with when I was seven) She was seventeen, and going through a really crappy time. She signed it “your number one fan” I don’t remember what its like to have a number one fan. I decided I need to get back in touch with her. .

It’s not that I want to forget my past. In fact I love my past, but I don’t need these crazy journals to remind me. I have my life, and who I am to remind me.

I have a wonderful life, and wonderful friends, I am about to embark on a wonderful journey, with a wonderful man and the most wonderful dog EVER! I just hope each and every one of them knows I am their BIGGEST FAN!!!

I am about to start living my life for me, not for my past, and certainly not for others! I don’t need to find myself, I’ve been there all along, I just need to let me out!!

****On a side note, halfway through I broke the paper shredder, I guess I’m not the only one who finds parts of my past hard to swallow: )