Tom and Kate Plus Cable (and why god hates me)
I am very aware that there are major tragedies going on in the world such as bombings, terror attacks, natural disasters and missing children but my world isn’t exactly peachy either.
Since moving into our apartment we haven’t turned on a T.V. once. Well, once we turned it on and realized we would need an antenna and we’re lazy and don’t really like T.V. so we never got an antenna.
So after eight months of no T.V. we decided it was time to get cable. Mostly because the lady we used to steal internet from moved and we couldn’t check our email twenty five times a day, and a little because we ran out of movies to watch at the Red Box.
If you asked Tom why we got cable he would swear to you it was all based on my obsession with John and Kate plus Eight.
Months ago we went to Colorado for my brother’s birthday and happened to wake up the following morning with a hangover. It had to been something in the air because we all know I personally would NEVER overindulge in the sauce.
I plopped myself on my brothers couch and turned on his 10,000 ft by 10,000 ft T.V. with over 80,000 channels and found nothing other than a John and Kate marathon. For the next twenty four hours I didn’t move and insisted in people bringing me large amount of greasy food to shove in my mouth. Thankfully I drank a sufficient enough amount the night before to dehydrate myself enough that I only had to pee about once every ten hours. Now this sounds like a perfect post drinking day to most of you and it would have been had it not been Tom’s first time in Colorado and his last day before he went home. Now I don’t remember the conversation exactly but it went something like this…
Tom: How about we drive to the mountains?
Katie Lauren: This shit is fucking nuts… this bitch has eight kids
Tom: How far are we from Red Rocks?
Katie Lauren: I can’t believe what a controlling freak this lady is
Tom: You could take me downtown where you used to romp around… there has to be shit you want me to see
Katie: I swear if you talked to me like she talks to him on national T.V. I would beat you. And I really try not to hate children but look at that one little girl. If she were mine I would shove her right back up where she came from.
Tom: Really you would shove a seven year old back up inside your Judy?
KatieLauren: Hell yeah that bitch would be packing her bags.
Tom: Maybe we can see…
KatieLauren: Here’s what you can see… my ass on this couch until I take you to the airport in the morning.
So he moved me over sat down and made the best attempt that I have ever seen a man make when watching shit on TLC.
Thus began my love affair with John and Kate and furthered mine with Tom.
So back to cable. I sat at home anxiously awaiting the turn on of my cable. I even for a minute (or hours) consider canceling all of my commitments for the next few days so I could catch up on all the good stuff like E news, Vh1, Mtv, and all the other goods. It goes without saying that the cable guy did not even closely make the four hour window we were given, but none the less he came and I was set to go.
But God hates me because the remote is out of batteries and I can’t think for the life of me why anyone would want cable T.V. with no remote. And I know this might seem trivial to all of you but I swear it gets worse. The following evening I returned from a show we do to catch the last thirty seconds of John and Kate, before TLC went off the air for infomercial time. And the following day… the day after I got batteries for the remote, I ran home from work to watch the cable only to find the dog ate the remote. The remote to the only brand of T.V. in the world in which a universal remote does not work.
I am telling you people I lead a very hard miserable traumatic life here…
Since moving into our apartment we haven’t turned on a T.V. once. Well, once we turned it on and realized we would need an antenna and we’re lazy and don’t really like T.V. so we never got an antenna.
So after eight months of no T.V. we decided it was time to get cable. Mostly because the lady we used to steal internet from moved and we couldn’t check our email twenty five times a day, and a little because we ran out of movies to watch at the Red Box.
If you asked Tom why we got cable he would swear to you it was all based on my obsession with John and Kate plus Eight.
Months ago we went to Colorado for my brother’s birthday and happened to wake up the following morning with a hangover. It had to been something in the air because we all know I personally would NEVER overindulge in the sauce.
I plopped myself on my brothers couch and turned on his 10,000 ft by 10,000 ft T.V. with over 80,000 channels and found nothing other than a John and Kate marathon. For the next twenty four hours I didn’t move and insisted in people bringing me large amount of greasy food to shove in my mouth. Thankfully I drank a sufficient enough amount the night before to dehydrate myself enough that I only had to pee about once every ten hours. Now this sounds like a perfect post drinking day to most of you and it would have been had it not been Tom’s first time in Colorado and his last day before he went home. Now I don’t remember the conversation exactly but it went something like this…
Tom: How about we drive to the mountains?
Katie Lauren: This shit is fucking nuts… this bitch has eight kids
Tom: How far are we from Red Rocks?
Katie Lauren: I can’t believe what a controlling freak this lady is
Tom: You could take me downtown where you used to romp around… there has to be shit you want me to see
Katie: I swear if you talked to me like she talks to him on national T.V. I would beat you. And I really try not to hate children but look at that one little girl. If she were mine I would shove her right back up where she came from.
Tom: Really you would shove a seven year old back up inside your Judy?
KatieLauren: Hell yeah that bitch would be packing her bags.
Tom: Maybe we can see…
KatieLauren: Here’s what you can see… my ass on this couch until I take you to the airport in the morning.
So he moved me over sat down and made the best attempt that I have ever seen a man make when watching shit on TLC.
Thus began my love affair with John and Kate and furthered mine with Tom.
So back to cable. I sat at home anxiously awaiting the turn on of my cable. I even for a minute (or hours) consider canceling all of my commitments for the next few days so I could catch up on all the good stuff like E news, Vh1, Mtv, and all the other goods. It goes without saying that the cable guy did not even closely make the four hour window we were given, but none the less he came and I was set to go.
But God hates me because the remote is out of batteries and I can’t think for the life of me why anyone would want cable T.V. with no remote. And I know this might seem trivial to all of you but I swear it gets worse. The following evening I returned from a show we do to catch the last thirty seconds of John and Kate, before TLC went off the air for infomercial time. And the following day… the day after I got batteries for the remote, I ran home from work to watch the cable only to find the dog ate the remote. The remote to the only brand of T.V. in the world in which a universal remote does not work.
I am telling you people I lead a very hard miserable traumatic life here…
posted by KatieLauren at
8:10 PM
4 Comments:
Very cute. People have too many kids. I should know.
funny! You know what's even funnier?....My mother-in-law's dog chewed up our remote too. That sonofabitch tore it right in half! I guess remotes must taste good.
bummer you can't change the channel. may I suggest a fancy new dvr so you can record that annoying show with the most annoying woman ever and watch it at yout lesiure.
p.s. I agree if anyone ever spoke to me that way even if we weren't on national tv I'd punch them in the throat.
I even like Kate more than John... he needs to grow a pair!
St
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