Because I Even Get On My Own Nerves...Sometimes
Because it has been a week or so… Life is crazy busy here at the Katie/Tom house. Busy, in good things… good work, good school, good ol’ time wasting. Mardi Gras is next week and I have friends coming in so it’s been busy getting stuff ready for that. Also I saw some terrible comedy shows, did a few open mic’s, ran into a few people I didn’t like, and realized I need to learn to say “NO.” Is it a woman thing? I wonder, the art of not being able to say “No”, ever? Want me to design you a restaurant menu, ok, a website, ok, go to your birthday party even though I have other things to do? Ok!
I personally am tired of Ok’s and ready for more No’s!
I did however say YES to the digital camera Tom bought, and I promise picture tomorrow of the Mardi Gras dog parade in which my buddies went as
1. Andrew Dice Clay- complete with a pack of Marlboro REDS
2. Gay- covered in old lady fake flowers, feathers, butterflies, and a fabulously handmade tutu.
Until then, Internet… “drum roll” as I let you into “my life with a digital camera” – some chicken chotchkie (is that how I spell it?) trying to commit suicide in my toilet. Just another amazing reason we HAD to have a digital camera!
And incase you didn’t have enough of me tonight, here is what I read at the open mic this evening… keep in mind as it was written ten minute before I left it isn’t edited yet. And if you need an explanation the beginning is about a writer friend that was there tonight so if you were there it would make sense.
You coming tonight? Lisa asks me. Not on the phone. Lisa and I don’t talk on the phone. Lisa and I talk on Facebook because Lisa and I spend to much time on Facebook. Sometimes talking, sometimes playing scrabble which she always whoops my ass because I am perhaps the only person alive who can manage to use the word “Jog” three times on one bored. I wish the points were scored on how many times you can use the same word on one board. Or how many three letter words you know, because I would have her whooped and she could take her seventy point words and shove them.
“I don’t think so” I respond. “I don’t have anything new to read and tons of shit to do.”
“Read one of the ones you didn’t read last time.” She suggests.
“Ok did I read the one about bartending I ask?” Yep she says.
“Did I read the one about being twenty eight-divorced- living in an apartment-drinking less- and having a twenty one year old boyfriend- but yet I’m still ok with being me?” I question. Then I interrupt myself. Well it isn’t really interrupting on Facebook, as it is more like typing faster than she can to answer myself before she does. “ Oh yeah I read that one. Or those twenty because basically that’s all I’ve written in like forty years.”
“You aren’t even forty” she reminds me.
“Ok well it feels like forty years and basically my writing is getting on my own nerves.” “Scratch that in general I am getting on my own nerves, in life, in general”
Nothing new has happened, nothing in a long time. Nothing writing worthy. Unless you all want me to bore you with my take on the latest TV shows since I realized a month ago its 2009 and maybe I should get cable TV, well a TV first and then Cable. So if you want to hear my obsession with John and Kate Plus eight you can go to my website and find writings of that at any time.
Other wise life is boring. Or maybe as my father would say I am finally “content”. Which is great an all except for the fact content women rarely make history or ummm content women rarely have stuff to write about.
I can’t write an entire essay about dressing my dog up as Andrew Dice Clay for the pet parade even though it was super great. I can’t write an entire essay about having beers with the people I work with after work because that’s boring. And there are only so many essays I can write about being a waitress because lets face it, most of you probably suck to wait on, and tip crappy, and the point is it gets old bitching about it because the only person who sucks more than you is me because I wake up everyday and chose to wait on you.
I am on my own nerves…Seriously. I need some excitement. Some writing material.
I proposed to Tom. Thinking shit why not at least it would give me something to write about. I even at one point suggested he start dating. I personally am pretty over dating but know it gives me huge amount of material and I figures shit, he’s young let him date. I could write an entire novel about letting my live in boyfriend date. I only got weary when he said yes to both the proposal and dating and I realized I don’t really like writing thaaaat much.
I even considered getting a tape worm. Did you know that… you can buy a tape worm online for weight lose purposes. I told my friend at work I was seriously considering this because A I would get skinny and B I would have something to write about. I decided against this writing material upon further research when I realized to get them out they have to be pulled out of your butt. No thanks.
I have convinced the very little English speaking busser at my work that Tom and I are in fact brother and sister and we just make out sometimes. When asked by a girl at work to explain a day in the life of Tom and Katie, I simply told her it involves a lot of laughing singing and running around trying to shove objects in each others bottoms. See I am even on my nerves with the fact I have just now written about two lies involving putting something up or taking something out of my butt.
I’ve gone as far as lying to people to try and excite my life. Recently at a friends birthday party. I announced to my entire staff at work that Tom and I were trying to conceive. This only being funny if you know me, or Tom, and would realize that in a matter of minute this baby would be dead, if it ever even made it to see the light outside of my Judy. Not because we are mean or anything, but because we have the combined responsibility of an eight year old with ADHD and a crack whore for a mother.
So really I have just wasted seven minutes of your time telling you as I told Lisa earlier I HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT.
“Finish with a love poem” she said
I have no rhythm and I can’t rhyme I tell her.
But because Lisa thinks she is the boss of me, I sometimes I let her win… I now will allow you all to take my poetry virginity.
I love my boyfriend
More than I love my rear end
It gives me no ideas in my brain
And is making my life quite plain
I have no rhythm, I cannot write.
So now you see I’ve wasted your time tonight.
I personally am tired of Ok’s and ready for more No’s!
I did however say YES to the digital camera Tom bought, and I promise picture tomorrow of the Mardi Gras dog parade in which my buddies went as
1. Andrew Dice Clay- complete with a pack of Marlboro REDS
2. Gay- covered in old lady fake flowers, feathers, butterflies, and a fabulously handmade tutu.
Until then, Internet… “drum roll” as I let you into “my life with a digital camera” – some chicken chotchkie (is that how I spell it?) trying to commit suicide in my toilet. Just another amazing reason we HAD to have a digital camera!
And incase you didn’t have enough of me tonight, here is what I read at the open mic this evening… keep in mind as it was written ten minute before I left it isn’t edited yet. And if you need an explanation the beginning is about a writer friend that was there tonight so if you were there it would make sense.
You coming tonight? Lisa asks me. Not on the phone. Lisa and I don’t talk on the phone. Lisa and I talk on Facebook because Lisa and I spend to much time on Facebook. Sometimes talking, sometimes playing scrabble which she always whoops my ass because I am perhaps the only person alive who can manage to use the word “Jog” three times on one bored. I wish the points were scored on how many times you can use the same word on one board. Or how many three letter words you know, because I would have her whooped and she could take her seventy point words and shove them.
“I don’t think so” I respond. “I don’t have anything new to read and tons of shit to do.”
“Read one of the ones you didn’t read last time.” She suggests.
“Ok did I read the one about bartending I ask?” Yep she says.
“Did I read the one about being twenty eight-divorced- living in an apartment-drinking less- and having a twenty one year old boyfriend- but yet I’m still ok with being me?” I question. Then I interrupt myself. Well it isn’t really interrupting on Facebook, as it is more like typing faster than she can to answer myself before she does. “ Oh yeah I read that one. Or those twenty because basically that’s all I’ve written in like forty years.”
“You aren’t even forty” she reminds me.
“Ok well it feels like forty years and basically my writing is getting on my own nerves.” “Scratch that in general I am getting on my own nerves, in life, in general”
Nothing new has happened, nothing in a long time. Nothing writing worthy. Unless you all want me to bore you with my take on the latest TV shows since I realized a month ago its 2009 and maybe I should get cable TV, well a TV first and then Cable. So if you want to hear my obsession with John and Kate Plus eight you can go to my website and find writings of that at any time.
Other wise life is boring. Or maybe as my father would say I am finally “content”. Which is great an all except for the fact content women rarely make history or ummm content women rarely have stuff to write about.
I can’t write an entire essay about dressing my dog up as Andrew Dice Clay for the pet parade even though it was super great. I can’t write an entire essay about having beers with the people I work with after work because that’s boring. And there are only so many essays I can write about being a waitress because lets face it, most of you probably suck to wait on, and tip crappy, and the point is it gets old bitching about it because the only person who sucks more than you is me because I wake up everyday and chose to wait on you.
I am on my own nerves…Seriously. I need some excitement. Some writing material.
I proposed to Tom. Thinking shit why not at least it would give me something to write about. I even at one point suggested he start dating. I personally am pretty over dating but know it gives me huge amount of material and I figures shit, he’s young let him date. I could write an entire novel about letting my live in boyfriend date. I only got weary when he said yes to both the proposal and dating and I realized I don’t really like writing thaaaat much.
I even considered getting a tape worm. Did you know that… you can buy a tape worm online for weight lose purposes. I told my friend at work I was seriously considering this because A I would get skinny and B I would have something to write about. I decided against this writing material upon further research when I realized to get them out they have to be pulled out of your butt. No thanks.
I have convinced the very little English speaking busser at my work that Tom and I are in fact brother and sister and we just make out sometimes. When asked by a girl at work to explain a day in the life of Tom and Katie, I simply told her it involves a lot of laughing singing and running around trying to shove objects in each others bottoms. See I am even on my nerves with the fact I have just now written about two lies involving putting something up or taking something out of my butt.
I’ve gone as far as lying to people to try and excite my life. Recently at a friends birthday party. I announced to my entire staff at work that Tom and I were trying to conceive. This only being funny if you know me, or Tom, and would realize that in a matter of minute this baby would be dead, if it ever even made it to see the light outside of my Judy. Not because we are mean or anything, but because we have the combined responsibility of an eight year old with ADHD and a crack whore for a mother.
So really I have just wasted seven minutes of your time telling you as I told Lisa earlier I HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT.
“Finish with a love poem” she said
I have no rhythm and I can’t rhyme I tell her.
But because Lisa thinks she is the boss of me, I sometimes I let her win… I now will allow you all to take my poetry virginity.
I love my boyfriend
More than I love my rear end
It gives me no ideas in my brain
And is making my life quite plain
I have no rhythm, I cannot write.
So now you see I’ve wasted your time tonight.
posted by KatieLauren at
1:34 AM
4 Comments:
If you bought a tapeworm from the internet, it would probably be a shoelace that you'd poop out in three days. Longest poop in the world.
okay the tapeworm thing is just gross. But I have to say, there is nothing wrong with writing about being content. A lot of my stuff is about being content and being in the now.
(Although I did laugh about the attention span of an 8 year old with ADHD).
That was a funny essay. You should listen to that Lisa girl. She seems to know her shit.
that is a funny essay. you should marry that Tom guy. he seems to know his shit.
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