Stage Mom

I am long overdue for an update. The past few weeks have been busy as shit. I live in a neighborhood in St. Louis which holds the second to largest Mardi Gras next to, of course, New Orleans. The crazy started a few weeks ago with a pet parade, and yes I must admit I joined in with thousands of other folks in dressing up my dogs in embarrassing outfits and parading them through dog poop filled streets mimosa’s in hand.

Deciding what Henry would be was easy as he insisted in his doggy ways that he refused to attend unless he was dressed as none other than his hero, Andrew Dice Clay. I swear people I didn’t ask for this dog to be this way, but isn’t part of being a parent allowing your dogs to express themselves in anyway they see fit?

Pedro was harder to pick a costume for. After weeks of discussion, as if there wasn’t a war going on or economic crisis in the world, we made the important decision that Pedro would attend as an old lady’s dog. Covered in flowers, feathers, beads, and what ever crap we could find in the craft store. In other words Pedro went as a giant Gay.

My friend Emily and I ventured into the suburbs (a land in which I never go) and hunted for a child’s sized pleather jacket, and anything and everything purple, green and yellow.

Tom told me I would make a great pageant mom and I ran around frivolously, freaking out about how my dogs MUST win. That there was no way there could be a better looking set of dogs in this entire town. Already making us excuse of why they didn’t win in the instance they didn’t. You know because the judges didn’t see them, or the judging was rigged, or the judges were jealous. Or we were disqualified because Henry had a pack of cigarettes taped to his arm and that has to be taboo.



After hours of crafting it occurred to me we were totally wasting out time. No way, no hell, were these dogs going to keep these costumes on. I think the pageant mom in me even threatened to staple the costumes right to their little bodies if they refused to participate in the madness of dogs in clothes.

I couldn’t have been more shocked than I was the time they ate razor blades and pooped them out.

Lo and behold –

Henry Dice Clay, and Pedro The Giant Gay









And in case you were wondering the dogs did not win. It was not because they were not seen, or the judging was rigged and I don’t think it was because anyone was jealous or because of the pack of Marlboro Reds stuck on my dog, but simply because we didn’t make it to the judging circle… Momma was out of Mimosa and we all know where priorities lie in this family!