Long time me no write shit you read

It's been a while. Or a while longer than I usually go without writing. Unless you count those seven or more months in which I was internet dead. Or dead to the Internet.

Why I haven't been here:

1. Great friend coming in town to finish up a book we started forever ago. Trying to find a little log cabin to lock ourselves into. Finding log cabin with internet in Missouri proving to be hard work.
2. Taught my dogs how to swim. Had to use force...Kind of like a parent giving a child that little last push once they took off the training wheels; only this is more taking them to the middle of the lake pushing them over board and crossing fingers that either they pop back up or I die from laughing before I notice they don't surface.
3. Working, really, really hard because shit if I don't win "waitress of the universe" this year, or at least "waitress of the world" I swear I will find another career path, like perhaps trying my hand at "folder of the tee-shirts at the Gap." Mostly because I like jobs that challenge my brain.
4. Working on doing that other job I have that isn't as entertaining to make fun of as waiting tables.
5. Banging the Bitches and Slapping the ho's. (because if i don't mention that at least every third or fourth post I feel a little lost)
6. Reading things I wrote out loud at places where people generally laugh at me and seldom throw things.
7. Worrying about offending people/checking to see if I will offend people/worrying that I offended the people I was checking with to see if I offended other people.

In regard to #7. Tonight I was at Board Game Night with my favorite gays. And I have to mention favorite gays because they are my favorites to play games with because they totally get it when I get out of control and yell/pout/scream and threaten Tom with sleeping on the couch if we lose because they do the same thing. And there were other friends there, and other friends girlfriend who I don't really know. So I asked Other Friend" about an upcoming reading I had to do. It's a fundraiser for some sort of medical condition which I cannot recall or spell but will figure out before I go. And at said place the audience is rumored to be mostly "older Jewish" folks. So I asked other friend what he felt about me reading my Jewish stories from my book. I went on to explain to those there who haven't read it that the stories aren't necessarily making fun of those who are Jewish but more making fun of myself for finding out I was a bit Jewish. I explained there were only a few coupon and big nose jokes. In all honesty I was seriously contemplating if these stories would be a huge hit, or a slap in the face, where I should in fact just throw away my coupons and hang myself. Then I remembered "Other Friends" girlfriend was in fact Jewish. Like a real Jewish person, not me who tried really hard to remember when passover was so I could ditch class in college and claim I had an excuse. So as it turns out, I offended the people who I was hoping would tell me if I would offend the others at the reading.

Meaning I am a jerk, and will skip the Jewish stories at the fundraiser and pray that these old Jewish folks find humor in me faking knocked up when I had been drinking all night, as opposed to admitting at a high school reunion of sorts that I just simply got fat. Unless of course you all vote for me to tell them about the time I found out my dad didn't have cancer and accused him of being gay in the same conversation. Hey! It was a mix up over some "plum flavored" wine.