For Dummies

Tonight I borrowed a Wine For Dummies book from a friend. I've always been intrested in learning more about wine. There are a few things I do know going into it.
1. I like It
2. It shouldn't come in a box, unless you are broke and really want some
3. White Zin isn't wine its a big ass wine cooler

The books for Dummies got Tom and I talking. What could you be hired to write a books for Dummies book about?

Mine:

1. How to get a college degree and not use it.
2. How to be a terrible speller and even worse at Grammer
3. How to raise super cute lovable dogs
4. How to spend money like you have it when you don't
5. How to write books that will offend your parents
6. How to start a million projects and never finish them


SO Internet... What would be your Books For Dummies?

Katie Lauren

Dear Friends and Family-Over Due Christmas Letter

I hope this finds you all safe and well. I just wanted to make sure I took the time this year to update you on the going on’s of the Lauren(Hyphen) Gysber’s family. I know you all have been anxiously awaiting my yearly update. I mean I assume you have been waiting judging on the fact you all seem to assume I was waiting to hear who your daughter married, where your husband travels for work, and what color of brown your son usually poops. I can only assume you were waiting my response because if you weren’t that seems that you in fact would be a bit narcissistic, or self absorbed. And I know you are nothing of the sort.
Grandma, stop reading now… If you kick it over this letter I swear the rest of the family will never forgive me. Oh and don’t tell them I still secretly bring you cigarettes every time I see you, because basically Grandma, I’m pretty sure at eighty eight a case of lung cancer brought on over smoking eight cigarettes in the past year isn’t going to be the thing to kill you.
So my update for you… It is in fact no longer the Lauren (hyphen) Gysber’s family. Mostly because I spent the year banging the bitches and slapping the hoe’s and my husband left me. I joke. Really I joke. There was no banging of bitches and I just plain got divorced. And although I appreciate your phone calls over the past year digging for dirt on why it happened the simple answer is it just happened. Sometimes in big kid world we tend to make decisions that are less than ideal and later realize we would have been better off smoking the crack everyone thinks we do. So I am thrilled that all of your children and even your children’s children are having even more children but I personally am trying my damndness not to procreate.
So this year in a flash will mark my third year since finishing college in which I still wait tables. I drank a little less, and I know this might shock those of you that know me now but I do in fact drink less. What isn’t less is the size of my boobs which seem to have kept growing and I am sure that is something my mother will write about in her Christmas letter. “ My son Matthew has started his own consulting business, gotten married, bought a large house in the suburbs and is extremely happy. My daughter Katie…she now, at twenty eight has average size boobs.”
So divorced and a half or at least sufficient rack what did I get… a twenty one year old boyfriend. Mostly because it happened by accident. But I wouldn’t call it the “opps I accidentally hit your car accident as much as the “shit I accidentally bought a lottery ticket and won,” kind of accident. As a result I wrote a little less because shit writing just isn’t fun or very productive when you are happy.
I moved to a part of St. Louis where there is a bar on every corner because that’s what I needed in my more bars per Katie ratio. It’s shocking enough to hear myself say “moved in St. Louis” because I swore that I hated this town and would get out as soon as I could. Now I am ashamed and proud to admit that I live here by choice. Its like a great fart as a girl…we all know it’s great but do you call your friends to brag or hang your head in shame. I guess the fact that you all refer to casseroles dinner and everything made from the cupboard containing cream of something soup, covered in potato chips or crispy cereal is considered a casserole, and are incredibly racist and shop only at J.C. Penny’s has grown on me. Ok not the racists part seriously people this is strange.
I met some new friends, most of which I love some of which I want to trade on the black market except the fact there isn’t really a want for annoying people on the black market even when the economy is good.
Speaking of economy, I have grown even more irresponsible with money which is at this time judges as “ok” because shit everyone is having money problems. So I can keep blaming Bush for the fact I can’t pay my gas bill because I bought too many beers at the bar.
Most eventful of this year was the fact I bought a foul mouthed puppy. His favorite comedian is Andrew Dice Clay and he regularly addresses me as “Bitch” or “Pussy” when I enter the door. He has made my little world complete, even if my friends are afraid to come over because he insists in showing and talking to everyone about his giant balls. Which much to his dismay are being chopped from his body tomorrow. What will the Dice Man think about my little guy with no balls…
So the year in recap…Divorce, Moves, Dating Boys- Young Boys, Being Happy, Bigger Bags, and Misbehaved Foul Mouth Puppies. Over all I think it was a good year… spectacularly good if you will.
I wish for you all what I wish for myself this year… love, happiness, warm puppies and even bigger bags.

Merry Christmas,

Katie

Only because I know it is tradition to enclose a picture with these long awaited updates enclosed you will find a picture of my puppies giant balls and my super average bags… You can hang it next to the family pictures on your fridge.

Dear Internet,

Dear Internet,

Is it wrong to do something, just to prove someone else wrong?

What about if the thing you would do is something that would be good for you anyway, but what motivates you is making someone else wrong?


Katie Lauren

For the moment

Because I am still trying to gather my thoughts, gather them enough to grab a hold of them and throw them down on paper I figured I would point you to this lady, who said it in such a way that I don't think there could be a better way to say it now...

http://okayfinedammit.com/

Katie

somethings

Tonight/Early This Morning…

Excited for tomorrow. Change is good!
Feel bad for my brother. No longer miss my mother!
Hate Dreamweaver. Miss Go Live!
Think my puppies look fancy in their new hair cut I gave them. Wish I wasn’t lying about them being fancy!
Love wine, love cigarettes, love days off
Hate thought of laundry at the laundry mat tomorrow.
Wish I had a robot.
Wish I had a robot that had a digital camera in him.
Wish I was tired!

Katie Lauren

tonight....

tonight...I miss my mom, and for the first time in years she is so close but yet so far away!

Katie Lauren

Dear Internet, Please Help

Dear Internet,

I need to get some writing done for a new website my friend is involved in. I won't mention the website now because it has yet to launch but it sounds like a cool group of writers, writing cool things. So here is what I need an essay on "Something I love to hate, or hate to love." Me being me has a hard time writing off prompts. I have been wracking my brain for weeks and have only come up with
1. Reality T.V. (which I think is WAY over done, we all know it sucks and yet we all watch it)
2. Stupid People -because really they make life more entertaining ( But I think I would come across as egotistical because dang we all know I can have a case of the stupids as well)
3. Facebook- because it wastes too much of my time...

Now internet please tell me to help get my brain rolling... what is something you love to hate, or hate to love?

Katie Lauren

Tom and Kate Plus Cable (and why god hates me)

I am very aware that there are major tragedies going on in the world such as bombings, terror attacks, natural disasters and missing children but my world isn’t exactly peachy either.

Since moving into our apartment we haven’t turned on a T.V. once. Well, once we turned it on and realized we would need an antenna and we’re lazy and don’t really like T.V. so we never got an antenna.

So after eight months of no T.V. we decided it was time to get cable. Mostly because the lady we used to steal internet from moved and we couldn’t check our email twenty five times a day, and a little because we ran out of movies to watch at the Red Box.

If you asked Tom why we got cable he would swear to you it was all based on my obsession with John and Kate plus Eight.

Months ago we went to Colorado for my brother’s birthday and happened to wake up the following morning with a hangover. It had to been something in the air because we all know I personally would NEVER overindulge in the sauce.

I plopped myself on my brothers couch and turned on his 10,000 ft by 10,000 ft T.V. with over 80,000 channels and found nothing other than a John and Kate marathon. For the next twenty four hours I didn’t move and insisted in people bringing me large amount of greasy food to shove in my mouth. Thankfully I drank a sufficient enough amount the night before to dehydrate myself enough that I only had to pee about once every ten hours. Now this sounds like a perfect post drinking day to most of you and it would have been had it not been Tom’s first time in Colorado and his last day before he went home. Now I don’t remember the conversation exactly but it went something like this…

Tom: How about we drive to the mountains?

Katie Lauren: This shit is fucking nuts… this bitch has eight kids

Tom: How far are we from Red Rocks?

Katie Lauren: I can’t believe what a controlling freak this lady is

Tom: You could take me downtown where you used to romp around… there has to be shit you want me to see

Katie: I swear if you talked to me like she talks to him on national T.V. I would beat you. And I really try not to hate children but look at that one little girl. If she were mine I would shove her right back up where she came from.

Tom: Really you would shove a seven year old back up inside your Judy?
KatieLauren: Hell yeah that bitch would be packing her bags.

Tom: Maybe we can see…

KatieLauren: Here’s what you can see… my ass on this couch until I take you to the airport in the morning.

So he moved me over sat down and made the best attempt that I have ever seen a man make when watching shit on TLC.

Thus began my love affair with John and Kate and furthered mine with Tom.

So back to cable. I sat at home anxiously awaiting the turn on of my cable. I even for a minute (or hours) consider canceling all of my commitments for the next few days so I could catch up on all the good stuff like E news, Vh1, Mtv, and all the other goods. It goes without saying that the cable guy did not even closely make the four hour window we were given, but none the less he came and I was set to go.

But God hates me because the remote is out of batteries and I can’t think for the life of me why anyone would want cable T.V. with no remote. And I know this might seem trivial to all of you but I swear it gets worse. The following evening I returned from a show we do to catch the last thirty seconds of John and Kate, before TLC went off the air for infomercial time. And the following day… the day after I got batteries for the remote, I ran home from work to watch the cable only to find the dog ate the remote. The remote to the only brand of T.V. in the world in which a universal remote does not work.

I am telling you people I lead a very hard miserable traumatic life here…

Can't wait to cyber meet him

this was in my email this morning:

"$$money ova bitches gettin rich is wat i live by$$ would like to be added to your MySpace friends list."

Sounds like a great guy who shares my core values of "Money over Bitches"

Katie Lauren

Because the Grass is Always Greener...

Because the Grass is always Greener…


Perhaps this won’t be the funniest thing I have ever written and mostly because it isn’t intended to be funny. Which, if you know me must bring you to the conclusion I have a cold or herpes or something. Only because being intentionally funny is only my biggest goal in life; like the bad kid in kindergarten that doesn’t get enough attention so he shits himself and smears it all over the walls.

This though is more reflecting/depressing/rambling-totally not funny…

The year of 2008 was eventful and totally not eventful at the same time. I will go into more detail in my “Annual Christmas Letter”- procrastinated to the “Annual New Years Letter”- procrastinated to the “I’ll Update You When I Fucking Feel Like It Letter”

2008 left me in places I never thought I would be. Single at 28 and yes, yes my friends still a waitress. Not a waitress looking for other employment, but more of a waitress who is just a waitress. Single with a 21 year old boyfriend…in debt, and now get to check the box on legal forms that says “Divorced.” I like the in-depth legal forms that get really personal, the ones where I check “College educated,” Divorced” and “Makes Under 20,000 a year.” I like those the most because they make me realize where I stand.

Those and my friends. Not so much my friends as in they rag where I am. In fact unless these bitches are lying to me I am pretty sure most of them are in some sick weird way proud of where I am. Mostly because I was never voted “Most Likely to Make Millions” or “Most Likely to be in a Lasting Marriage,” or “Most Likely to Sit in a Cubical After Working Eighteen Hour Days” and I never ever would have been voted “Mostly Likely to Have Super Cute Funny Children…Who are Somewhat Well Behaved.”

I think I mostly would have been voted “Most Likely to Do What Ever She Wants,” “Most Likely to Misbehave For as Long as She Can Get Away With It,” “Most Likely to Never Be Content,” “Most Likely to Do What Ever It Takes to Keep Laughing.”

So perhaps most of them are proud of me because in fact I am doing what I was destined to do - fuck around and be happy about it! I think they’re most happy about the being happy part, and less about the fucking around.

Sometimes though, sometimes a girl gets a thought in her head and it doesn’t go away. When your best friend calls you about the fact her and her boyfriend are buying a house together, and it is just certain he is going to propose sometime in the near future you get a little bit wacky. And it doesn’t make sense because you don’t want a house because you know you aren’t responsible enough to handle your five hundred square foot apartment. And you KNOW you don’t want a husband because once you tried one of them on and it literally almost squeezed all of the life out of you. (Not literally, he never physically squeezed you but the situation did.) And you care a little when your stupid friend (come on you all know you have them) the one that no one ever liked - like the Kimmy Gibler from Full House, only more annoying because she isn’t eight - gets a job promotion. I shouldn’t say job - I have one of those - I mean career promotion. But most of all you doubt yourself when you see pictures of your other best friend’s child on Christmas morning and she looks like this…



And you know deep down you feed your dog’s noodles and McDonalds almost weekly because you run out of dog food . And you can cook, (but not chicken nuggests) but get grossed out at boogers, spit, vomit and all nasty that occupies little kids. And most of all you fear cartoon movies.

So you know you are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. You know that because you are happy and you laugh, a lot. And you hope deep down your friends keep having cute babies and buying houses and getting job promotions, you just hope that you can keep convincing yourself that regardless of the fact society tells you at 28 you should be married, own and house and have a career you are still ok. Or at least hope they have babies a little less cute.

Katie Lauren

P.S I promise a better more cute picture of this Kid tomorrow, because trust me I'm not second guessing my life over this blurry crap... she isn't funny in real life, just the site I stole her picture off of doesn't let me make her bigger...

P.P.S. I am so glad my friend is cool enough to let me use pictures of her daughter in a post that contains the words "Fuck" "Bitch" and "Herpes" - ok, so I didn't tell her that part when I asked permission but I doubt she expected much less