It's At Times Like This I Couldn't Be More Proud

Once again today I glanced at my site tracker. The one that makes me feel like people are reading this even if most of you don't comment. The one that lets me see what people are typing into search engines to get to my site. Tonight I couldn't have laughed harder if I wanted to, because tonight I saw a statistic, a number, a person who typed a few words into Google that lead them to my site. My site was located sixth on the list on Google if you searched these words...

"wives who fart and shit if front of their husbands"

I am sure at this moment in time I couldn't feel more proud if I had won an Oscar

Long time me no write shit you read

It's been a while. Or a while longer than I usually go without writing. Unless you count those seven or more months in which I was internet dead. Or dead to the Internet.

Why I haven't been here:

1. Great friend coming in town to finish up a book we started forever ago. Trying to find a little log cabin to lock ourselves into. Finding log cabin with internet in Missouri proving to be hard work.
2. Taught my dogs how to swim. Had to use force...Kind of like a parent giving a child that little last push once they took off the training wheels; only this is more taking them to the middle of the lake pushing them over board and crossing fingers that either they pop back up or I die from laughing before I notice they don't surface.
3. Working, really, really hard because shit if I don't win "waitress of the universe" this year, or at least "waitress of the world" I swear I will find another career path, like perhaps trying my hand at "folder of the tee-shirts at the Gap." Mostly because I like jobs that challenge my brain.
4. Working on doing that other job I have that isn't as entertaining to make fun of as waiting tables.
5. Banging the Bitches and Slapping the ho's. (because if i don't mention that at least every third or fourth post I feel a little lost)
6. Reading things I wrote out loud at places where people generally laugh at me and seldom throw things.
7. Worrying about offending people/checking to see if I will offend people/worrying that I offended the people I was checking with to see if I offended other people.

In regard to #7. Tonight I was at Board Game Night with my favorite gays. And I have to mention favorite gays because they are my favorites to play games with because they totally get it when I get out of control and yell/pout/scream and threaten Tom with sleeping on the couch if we lose because they do the same thing. And there were other friends there, and other friends girlfriend who I don't really know. So I asked Other Friend" about an upcoming reading I had to do. It's a fundraiser for some sort of medical condition which I cannot recall or spell but will figure out before I go. And at said place the audience is rumored to be mostly "older Jewish" folks. So I asked other friend what he felt about me reading my Jewish stories from my book. I went on to explain to those there who haven't read it that the stories aren't necessarily making fun of those who are Jewish but more making fun of myself for finding out I was a bit Jewish. I explained there were only a few coupon and big nose jokes. In all honesty I was seriously contemplating if these stories would be a huge hit, or a slap in the face, where I should in fact just throw away my coupons and hang myself. Then I remembered "Other Friends" girlfriend was in fact Jewish. Like a real Jewish person, not me who tried really hard to remember when passover was so I could ditch class in college and claim I had an excuse. So as it turns out, I offended the people who I was hoping would tell me if I would offend the others at the reading.

Meaning I am a jerk, and will skip the Jewish stories at the fundraiser and pray that these old Jewish folks find humor in me faking knocked up when I had been drinking all night, as opposed to admitting at a high school reunion of sorts that I just simply got fat. Unless of course you all vote for me to tell them about the time I found out my dad didn't have cancer and accused him of being gay in the same conversation. Hey! It was a mix up over some "plum flavored" wine.

A Cry For Help Now On Amazon

It's been almost a year since I published my book. So almost a year later I have some news and some thoughts to share on the topic.

First, My Book Loud Mouth is now available on Amazon. When I published it came with distribution plan that came with the mandatory ISBN. This also gives me the ability to get it in local stores. Why a year later? A divorce, new job, new boyfriend, new house, new puppy, and new outlook on life kept me busy enough to procrastinate my end of the deal. So when I realized it had been almost a year and I should get my butt in gear with final edits and the distribution I got to work. And after the folks at Amazon fiddled around with it for a bit taking it out to lunch, and movies in such, getting to know it a bit and make sure there was no child pornography and military secrets inside they approved it and there I was on the big screen. (Like big computer screen, well depending on the size of your monitor.)

Second, I find now that I have mixed feelings about the book. My writing has grown immensely since I published it, and in some ways find reading the old material to be a bit painful or perhaps even a bit if an embarrassing show of my current works worth. I published the book not as a money making venture but as a way to grab everything I had package it up nicely and be able to hold in my had something I accomplished that was mine. Something I finished.

It's funny because often when I am introduced to people by friends or fellow writers they make the comment "Katie "SELF PUBLISHED" A book." I want to finish the conversation explaining that I also, that day, "Self Showered" "Self Wiped" and "Self Fed" because let's face it I'm not helpless. I've never tried to hide the fact that the book was self published, but at some point I find the humor in people feeling the NEED to attach "self published." I had every intent to self publish this book and never even considered going a different route. I am well aware of the fact anyone can self publish a book. You could type the word shit a million time get it all bound up with a nice cover featuring a cover of a stinky dump and call yourself published. A Writer I used to know would say, self publishing isn't for writers it's for entrepreneurs. I disagree I think it all depends on what the writer is looking to get out of the publishing experience.

So in the end I got what I wanted out of it. I got something that was mine, something with my name on it and my voice in it. Something I could hold in my hand. It might be funny to you, or as a few of my family members described it "Katie's cry for help." Either way I laughed when writing it, and people tend to laugh when they read it so mission accomplished even if I did "self publish"



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